I was observing the Winter Olympics and happened to catch an job interview with skater Adam Rippon (who by the way, bravely came out with his having ailment struggle). Alan was offering an psychological job interview in which he mentioned, “I want to throw up, I want to go around to the judges and say ‘can I just have a Xanax and a rapid drink.’”
In anecdotally scanning the social media reactions there ended up two unique observations. The common spectator usually uncovered the statement reliable, funny, and endearing. The other reactions I monitored ended up in the restoration and psychological health group. Numerous expressed shock due to the fact of the potentially lethal consequences of mixing Xanax and liquor and the specter of it remaining manufactured out as anything hip and cool in the vein of Madmen’s Betty Draper popping a “mother’s little helper” with a glass of wine.
For me, Xanax and liquor ended up not hip and cool. Mixing them was not an Olympic activity. When Rippon manufactured the comment, I was straight away taken again to a time early in my restoration when I came upon a 2 mg Xanax bar that I experienced hidden at the base of a shoe box of improve that I often utilised to conceal my drug stash.
It was a time not extensive past mixing Xanax and liquor remaining regime for me. Mixing, Xanax with Jack Daniels would erase total times due to the fact that’s what I wished. Not extensive immediately after mixing, I defecated in my trousers immediately after passing out on the combination. After turning into suicidal though under the affect of Xanax and liquor and owning to be taken to a psychiatric facility. You want real authenticity on the subject matter? There you go.
It was a shoe box with that Xanax bar lying innocently with decades of accrued lose improve and numerous other memories. Susan B. Anthony Bucks. Fifty-cent pieces. My very first-day wish chip taken from “John G.” sobbing, powerless, and broken for the duration of my very first 12-action conference (Alcoholics Nameless remaining the most identified). Worn, corroded pennies, nickels, and dimes. Fragmented memories and dreams.
I see overseas coins in the box. Drunken journeys to Mexico. Indications on every single toilet stall that cocaine is illegal and you will go to jail. Didn’t treatment. By no means noticed a person of these indicators on the numerous United States toilet stalls I used to snort my cocaine. Would it have mattered? Nope.
Slot device tokens and left-around on line casino chips from numerous casinos in Vegas. My favored put to do cocaine. Then I would pop a Xanax with liquor to undo the consequences and move out. Unused chips from The Palms and the Really hard Rock Casinos. Conference sites with my drug connections.
On the lookout at that overlooked Xanax bar, I really feel my heart level quicken. I communicate about addiction triggers all the time and how to deal with them. Now here it is. It’s me. It’s now. A selection. I could pop it and no a person would at any time know. Is it about that? A new cycle of guilt. A new cycle of sobriety. Staring at that very small, white, oblong item that experienced the ability to stir up so numerous extreme memories and emotions in seconds though erasing my life a person day at a time. Frantic phone calls to my vendor for baggies of Xanax to provide me down.
I pulled that Xanax bar out of the shoe box of memories. I walked upstairs to my toilet and dropped to my knees as I experienced finished so numerous times in advance of possibly in the throes of bulimia or intoxication praying to the porcelain goddess. I flushed it down the toilet. I remember it obvious as day due to the fact I was sober. It was not cool. It was not hip. I was not laughing. I admittedly, did giggle when Adam Rippon joked about it due to the fact I know the reality of misusing Xanax. It is surely not an Olympic activity.
Brian Cuban (@bcuban) is The Addicted Attorney. Brian is the author of the Amazon very best-providing e book, The Addicted Attorney: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption (affiliate connection). A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh Faculty of Legislation, he someway manufactured it via as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practising attorney. He went into restoration April 8, 2007. He left the observe of legislation and now writes and speaks on restoration subject areas, not only for the legal career, but on restoration in common. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.